Skip to main content

just let go

i remember i used to spend hours every day mourning the way i used to be, like i was dead.
but why was i so worked up on the fact that i was no longer the same person? why couldnt i just let go of all of that and start fresh and become the person i knew i was inside.

i just couldnt let go.
i couldnt let go of anorexia. (like we were joined twins or something)
but there is always a part of you that wants to keep it around. you dont want to be free because its scary as hell! like the only life you know is the one were calories are the most important thing and exercise is the law to you. you only know a life in hell. and imagining it being any different to what you are so used to is so scary!

step 1: wake up and not give a fuck.
well for me anyway the first thing i did when i woke up was calculate and stress over breakfast. but why, where did that get me? that just spurred on my illness so i just 'let it go'.
i woke up and i thought about something else, i texted my friends, went for a walk, rang my family. anything but put food first.
and when i was ready i thought 'what do i actually want for breakfast?' not 'oo whats the lowest calorie option? oo what does anorexia want?' i thought about what sydney wanted!! which i admit was not easy because my thoughts were always so dominated so it did take some time and practice!
but whatever it was i wanted, i had. because i.did.not.give.a.fuck.
and you know what, it felt so good! eating what i wanted to eat was so freeing and it made me realise the sensation of enjoyment that ive been missing out on for so long. and once i felt that, every morning was an enjoyable one.

i often get asked how did i recover.
and that is a very difficult question and i honestly dont know. it took me 6 months to recover out of inpatient, to become weight restored and mentally healthy.
and it was the hardest 6 months of my life, yet the most enjoyable (i know that sounds really weird but bare with)
like i said i approached every meal with the i dont give a fuck attitude and it helped so much! extra potato on my plate? i dont give a fuck i like potatoes therefore i will have it!

i didnt care about the changes my body was making because i had other things to care about. i have my mum and dad and brother to think about, my friends that went through hell when i was under anorexias control. i had the responsibility of raising a kitten. i got myself volunteer work to keep myself busy. i had so much more to worry about than food and they way my body looked. because the further i got into recovery, the more people noticed my smile, the light behind my eyes, my personality coming back, my humour, my laugh. not the size of my thighs.
life just hit me full force and it felt amazing.
i was finally living the life an 18 year old should.

i simply just let go.
i let go of my illness.
i decided i wanted more out of life than fat free yogurts and rice cakes.

i stopped anorexia taking control over me by just thinking about what i wanted and what i wanted to do.
theres no room for that voice to creep in when youre so full of hope and enthusiasm over your meals, days and future! it has no say in the matter.

a lovely friend of mine said to me today 'anorexia will jeopardize everything you have when you are at your happiest, it wont like that you escaped'
and thats true, but you have too much happiness and love to knock it back down. it really opened my eyes. i have more strength now that i can push that voice down. and it stays down. and for once, its scared of me.

 i look at the past year in a positive way. i dont wish i could go back and change what happened because it happened for a reason and im now a much better, stronger and more appreciative person because of it. i wake up everyday and smile because im grateful for what life has given me.
i look at my phone and i have about 5 good morning texts of everyone i care most about because i have shown them love and gratitude and they have sent it right back at me. you get what you give out of life.
why give negativity and self hate? you are beautiful, inside and out. you wont realise it now but one day when you are recovered and youre sat down with your own family and surrounded by loving and loyal friends. they will all see it, and as will you.

you just need to let go of your illness.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

meal plans and minnie maud

oh the dreaded word, meal plan. for anyone that doesn't know what a meal plan is then let me explain it to you, you basically have to eat around 6 times a day, breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, tea and supper. When you're in hospital well in my case its certain foods, if you wanted a chocolate bar you couldn't have one, you had to have what was on the snack list, which was awful. like so bland, like a cup of milk, i don't like milk. but when you are at home and recovering the meal plans are so much more flexible, you can pick your own snacks and everything and its just so much more freeing! meal plans move up in calories (eugh i hate that word), you start off on a starter meal plan, which is basically designed to avoid re-feeding syndrome. its tiny amounts of food little and often, which is terrifying for someone just starting recovery. when you move on with recovery it becomes a lot easier, your meal plans become increased or decreased due to how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

challenge that change

you are going to change, your body will change, your brain will change. this is fabulous, you shouldn't fear it. why be a bag of bones when you can have a bum, and boobs, and legs to die for and a healthy glowing face, and long thick hair like a lion and bright eyes and.. right you get the point. ask yourself, have you ever felt good enough? has loosing weigh ever made you feel good? has being severely underweight ever made you feel skinny or thin enough? no. your eating disorder feeds you lies. the worst part is that you believe them. your eating disorder is your friend right? wrong. when has it ever made you feel good, when has it ever showed you kindness. i cant count one time anorexia was my friend, or made me feel good about myself but i have lost count of how many times its put me down and made me feel terrible. learn to love yourself, you curves, your legs, your personality, your querky smile. you need to embrace it all. why live a life hating yourself whe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Loosing weight?

The heading looks misleading but it's a topic I've been thinking about a lot, let me explain. I've been physically and mentally recovered now for nearly 2 years and I've always either put on weight or stayed the same but now my body is settling into it normal life and my daily eating habits are changing with work and day trips. I've naturally lost weight, not drastic, it's literally just my body settling down and getting comfy, I think. But from past experiences it's so hard to deal with, not for me but for my family. My mum and dad become worried and are constantly egging me on to eat more and more, when I'm eating no less than I was before, it's just how my body has fluctuated. It's difficult to understand the minds of others, and rightfully they can be worried but they definitely don't need to. It's just trying to establish that trust with your family for them to not be worried, but they have single handingly seen me lie to their f...
Post a Comment
Read more