society.

anorexia is not as simple as 'they basically dislike food and you loose weight' 

wrong. 

anorexia is turning your own mind and body against yourself, watching yourself slowly disappear and loving it. feeling your bones stick out and rub against clothing and your mattress until you are covered in bruises and cry yourself to sleep. anorexia is ripping your family apart and allowing them to see their own child fall to pieces without being able to help. its being so severely hungry that you start to hallucinate and collapse walking down the street.  its being in a constant battle with your own mind about what you can eat and what you cant eat, what you can do and what you cant. over exercising to exhaustion, not for fitness. looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing nothing but a shell of worthlessness. its the feeling of preferring to die than eat. its never feeling good enough, never feeling deserving of life and enjoyment. 

why do people think its all about your appearance? i gained 5 stone and still had disordered thoughts. i no longer fit into the social 'picture' of anorexia, but i still had it. 

i had bulimia, and that went unnoticed just because at that time it wasn't visible. i had a very unhappy mind for years and yet nobody could help me because 'my bmi wasnt low enough' or 'my heart rate was fine'. 

see thats were society is fucking up. isnt it the right thing to do to help someone at that stage, before things get worse? before their life is on the line all because their bmi was over the firggin healthy line. i was told i was never ill enough to receive help. only when i was 6 stone down and lying on my death bed they actually decided to give me a chance at life. its disgusting. why do we have to fit into a criteria to be helped?

you wouldnt refuse to help someone just because they had a sprained ankle and it wasnt actually broken? ive learnt a lot in the past 2 years. 

one of them being is that society and professionals know nothing (yes even with their degrees and fancy cars) 

you know shit,

you wouldnt put me into an inpatient unit because my ecg was 'just okay' you wouldnt give me therapy because 'i wasnt a serious case' and you wouldnt give me a meal plan because 'my blood results came back acceptable' it took starvation and near death to get noticed. to get help. i went on killing myself for months because nobody would help me when i was crying out for it. 

but when i was lying on the floor of my hospital bedroom wishing and crying for death, thats when they realised. 

it knocks me physically sick, i know so many worthy and deserving people who are on year long waiting lists just to see a therapist or a dietician. their lives are spiralling out of control, its terrifying. being trapped in a cycle of an eating disorder and being told you have to wait for treatment? you simply cant wait. you have to get help now. hire more dieticians and therapists and bloody more doctors. open more hospitals. build a new friggin building. do everything you can because these are precious lives. that got attacked by a demon, they didnt ask for it. 

i could legit rant about this all day but you are all probably bored right about now, all im saying is that, HELP PEOPLE. 

give them a life and hope! 

i will always remember something one of the lovely nurses who treated me said

'its just a bad day, not a bad life'

and its true. if i had given up on that day, let my illness kill me, i wouldnt be where iam today. i wouldnt have a job, a university place, and amazing bodyfriend, bestfriends for life. holidays booked, true love and friendship within my family. i wouldnt be free. 

because it really is just a bad day, it could be a bad hour, who knows. 

but whatever it is, you cant give up, you dont know what your future holds. and heck you are going to be here to find out!

so as im currently sat snuggled up with my kitten eating my 5th bowl of cereal, i just think about my past year, the struggles i have been through, the moments were giving up was the easiest option. but sometimes you have to challenge yourself. show yourself what you are capable of. help others. be a friend. be someone who you would be proud to know! 

i dont even know what this blog post is about but i just feel it had to be said, maybe for my own personal reasons and opinion but heck its my blog anyway xoxo