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2am blogs

Anorexia took a hella lot away from me, like 2 years of my life.
And I've never been able to let that go, I loath my illness for taking away such precious memories from me. I tell myself all the time that I'm over it and I can move on and be happy with my life but the truth is, I'm not, and that's okay. I think.
I know it took away opportunities from me, and I'll never let that go, but I can move on. I can remember how my illness shaped me to become who I am today and all the opportunities I have now, that I'm healthy, mentally.
I in no way shape or form still suffer from the thoughts and restrictions and everything my illness was, I have overcome that with time and love for myself and those around me. But have I overcome the little things? When I go for a meal, and I eat whatever I want to eat, afterwards when I'm full I think 'I shouldn't have eaten all that' but then it passes, because I remember that it was bloody good and I can eat what I want. And I've been thinking about that alot like is it normal? Can I think that? So I asked people, what do you think after a meal? And you know what, a lot of people thought about the impact on their body and that they may have overdone it a lil bit. And when I asked if the thought passed. Everyone said of course it did, why overthink the past?

I guess thoughts I've assumed where my un-recoveredy bits are just normal.
I'd say I'm confident within myself (if you ask my boyfriend he would disagree because I can't take a compliment to save my life). But I don't spend all my time thinking about my body, like obviously when I'm getting ready I don't wanna resemble Tarzan, but I don't care what I look like to an extent that it takes over. I have confidence in what I wear and my body, I know it can accomplish great things and I don't need to be wearing nice shoes to do it. (Thankfully because I live in trainers).

I am partial to a good parade around my room in my nice underwear, and I am happy with how I look. And I never thought I'd get to this stage, I never thought I'd see a time were I can love myself. But here I am, dancing in my matching underwear. (Seriously is underwear even underwear if it doesn't match?)

I've been trying to 'master makeup' and it's doing my head in. Like I'll spend time painting my face and miss all the important things, like my boyfriend sat waiting for me staring at me with his lil eyes, talking to me and I'll take minutes to reply because eyeliner gotta be good yeno. But is my appearance worth the missed opportunities? The kisses being missed because of my lipstick or the hugs I avoid to not smudge my highlighter. (Don't worry I'm laughing at myself here)

Basically I'm saying I'm going to become a nudist who parades around makeup free and unbrushed hair because eyebrows ain't on fleek.

ANYHOO, love ya self girl.
You don't need makeup and clothes (well please wear clothes cos you'll catch a cold like) to feel happiness or lustfull. You are bloody fabulous the way you are. (Bruno Mars coming up)
But ignore the bullshit of social norms, ignore how we are told to be a certain way to be wanted. Be beautiful and dance in your undies because you deserve this life and you'll become everything you've ever wanted. You're strong, courageous and smart and you have this confidence within you. (You'll notice it when you sing along to Adele or dance with your mum in the middle of Asda)

That, my beauty, is confidence.
Be yourself. It's great.
Xxx

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