preparing for christmas

christmas is all about spending time with your loved ones and making memories that will grow old with you. But for someone with an eating disorder its all about the food.. 

last year i was in the clutches of anorexia and christmas was taken away from me, i couldnt go out because i was too cold and i didnt want to socialise with anyone. I wouldnt go and visit my family and my parents were lucky to get two words out of me, i spent the entire duration finding ways to avoid people and food. 

usually i would dive face first into the box of heroes and celebrations and all the galaxy caramels would be gone within a heartbeat (seriously, is there a better chocolate than galaxy caramel?) i would sit down and pile food onto my plate without a second thought, and then even though i was full to the brim i would still find room for more chocolates and a big slice of gateau, heaven!

but this christmas i dreaded christmas day, i knew i was expected to eat and i just couldnt face it. 

my christmas was ruined with worrying and bloody anorexia.

But this christmas i am in a much better place, im actually looking forward to christmas like usual, ive set myself a challenge to try all the christmas special sandwiches in shops and the christmas drinks in costa, well, because i can.

so its only november but ive actually been preparing myself since like september haha.

i want my christmas back and im determined to not invite anorexia. 

so christmas dinner. the usuals, turkey (of course) mash, veg, roasties, yorkshire puddings the whole shibang and dessert, because whats christmas without dessert?

just think of it as a normal meal, because it is. 

your plate is usually full of protein, veg and carbohydrates, just like it will be at christmas so why worry yourself about it? nobody is forcing you to eat a ginormous portion because thats not fair, you eat what you know you are capable of eating, if youre full, so what, its natural, nobody will be disappointed, you tried your best as long as its not anorexia forcing you to restrict, then kick it in the face and try again.

desert, you always have desert anyway, well some kind of desert. its no different, yes it may be abit bigger and probably abit scarier but trust me, just because youve eaten a little extra you will not wake up any bigger, it takes more than that for your body to start changing. 

ah chocolates, youre not being pressured into eating any, but if you want a celebration you go the fuck ahead and take one, after the year you have had dont you think you deserve a chocolate?

its not unhealthy, cocoa beans actually come from a tree so erm yea chocolate is healthy? no but seriously it is, if you have chocolate for every meal and snack then yea you are lacking some nutrition but in no way is it unhealthy! dont even think that, your body and most importantly your recovering body needs this food and wants it, thats why you crave these foods. so bloody enjoy it!! embrace your cravings, embrace the fact this only happens once a year and by january 1st you wont be able to buy all these magnificent chocolates! 

where i live we have these beautiful things called the christmas markets (i am aware they are everywhere) and they sell all sorts, pancakes, sweets, chocolate covered strawberries, hotdogs and big hog roast butties, omg im literally dribbling all over my laptop right now. 

and you know what? im going to eat the lot, they only come once a year and its all healthy homemade food that you can literally see being made and prepared right infront of you, no badness thrown in, all goodness. so whats the big deal? oh and a hot chocolate with whipped cream? dont mind if i doo!

why should you listen to the voice in your head telling you no? if you want something then go ahead and get it! thats why i like being spontaneous, if i have time to think about what im going to do then i worry myself and overthink it, but if im there and my mum says 'grab a hotdog' ill be like hell yea i could eat a hot dog right now! 

its the best way to think.

yea im absolutely terrified for christmas, but im way more excited. 

im excited to join in with the festivities, go to the markets, eat with my friends and family, enjoy a bloody gingerbread latte out with my mum once afternoon, go out for lunch with my nan, and shar a bloody box of chocolates with my brother.

im excited to eat the most amazing roast dinner that my dad spends days preparing, and to eat a bloody chocolate gateau that id happily live off if my mum let me. 

but most of all, im excited to be in control. 

anorexia does not control me, i control my own mind, only me. 

if youre worried about christmas, and struggling to cope with the fear foods and the expectations you have to meet then dont be, relax. why should you be stressed over christmas? you should only be stressed if its christmas eve and you realise you havent done your shopping but now ay in hell should you be stressed about food. 

this is your year, not anorexia. 

dont you just want to live everyday as it is, embrace the food, the company you have, the memories you make, and just love life. 

it sounds cheesy that quote 'love life' but bloody hell listen to it! you really have to, christmas is something that is filled with magic, hope, happiness and joy, why should you be miserable? you werent miserable at christmas when you were 5 so why start mow.

i have faith that every one of you can enjoy an anorexia free christmas, enjoy the food, dont fear it.

xoxo