preventing relapse and discovering your identity.

okay so when you're recovering/recovered relapse is always going to be there. its always going to be present. you think you look big in that dress.. oh i know i can just go back to the way i was.. no.

this is when you fight, this is when you turn around and say you are worth more than your appearance as you are stronger than to cave in and go back to the shitty life you used to have. every time you get these demanding thoughts (and they are intrusive and rude and play a huge part in your everyday life) you remind yourself who you are now. the life you have. the love you give and receive. and then remember who you used to be, the shell of a human, forced to live by numbers and rules set by anorexia. you dont want that life, if you did heck you wouldnt have started recovery int he first place!
so why did you recover?
why did you choose that you didnt want to suffer anymore?
was it because it was ripping your family apart, or because you lost all your friends, constantly cried and felt like someone had ripped your heart out because you were forced to eat a gram of rice, or maybe it was because you couldnt hug your mum without it hurting. and she couldnt look at her own daughter and smile.
you need to remember all of those things. the reasons. they are important and they will play a huge part in this process of recovery.

okay so ill give you a lil insight into how my mind worked. i was in hospital, as soon as my discharge date was approaching i had a plan to go backwards, to give up. but i sat there in my little bedroom with curved furniture so i didnt hurt myself and plastic mattresses and that friggin window in my door so the staff could check on me every 10 minutes. or being poked at 1am to check i was still breathing.. i thought, i dont want this life.
my mum and dad came to visit me for an hour a day. they travelled an hour to see me, stayed an hour and then travelled back. everyday they looked more and more exhausted, they didnt go out together for an entire 5 months. they worked, ate and visited me. my mum used to cry everytime she saw me, not being able to look me in the eye because she believed it was her fault because she couldnt help me. (totally bs because my mum is my hero and without her i wouldnt be doing what i am right now) but they are our parents and they tend to blame themselves. she saw me slowly dying and for that i will always feel guilty. i remember my dad crying (a man who doesnt go to the doctors with like a broken neck or something) cried at seeing me lying in a hospital bed with wires hanging off me watching my heart rate drop. he said goodbye to me that night.

life? that is not life.
life is waking up, saying good morning to your loved ones, having breakfast together, going to work, going out with friends, being in love, holidays, school, food and more food. life is what you want it to be and more!! and we all know that you dont want to spend it being mates with anorexia.

so you remember, you sit there and you remember everything anorexia put you through. i dont care how long it takes, this is important. miss school. miss work. loose sleep. you need this. you need to realise within yourself why you dont want to live that way. people can tell you all you like but come on we dont bloody listen!!
do this for yourself, only you can stop yourself from hurting. only you can recover. and you can. and you will. (like seriously believe me because if someone told me this a year ago i would have laughed in their face but here i am) believe.

okay so sorry this blog post is so long but its quite a detailed topic, so bare with me..

living with an eating disorder takes away your identity, you loose touch of who you are. i really struggled with this. i used to get upset and just want to be the old Sydney. yet i couldnt remember what she was like? i couldnt remember the way she laughed, what she ate, what she did in her spare time. i couldnt even remember what time i used to go to bed.
and that is normal. youve blindsided yourself. given up on the old you. thats okay. because you are better and stronger now! you arent who you used to be, youve learnt from this journey and youre now ready to build yourself up to the person you know you are and want to be.
cant remember your favourite meal? try every food on the menu because tastebuds change guys. (like seriously, i now like prawns?)
cant remember how you used to laugh? go see a comedy, listen to yourself, thats all you.

you are you, you havent disappeared and come back as an alien. you are the same person, in the same bloody beautiful body that you were in as a baby. youve just lost sight of life. and like i said, thats okay, we all do sometimes.
find yourself, take time to discover yourself. what you like and dont like, what books you enjoy reading, how you like to spend Sunday morning's (personally i dont think you can beat waking up blisssfully happy in your boyfriends arms
with a cup of tea) thats one of my personal favourites..

you are you, amazingly fabulous. let yourself be free!xx