I don't really know what to write about anymore, I love writing. I find I can express myself in ways I can't do physically.
But, I guess I never want to talk about me?
I try and pick a topic and write about it, but what if I want to just blab on about my day and how the lettuce on my sandwich was soggy for lunch. (World war problems soggy lettuce btw)
So this is going to be about me, read on if you want, if not then I understand that my life doesn't interest you. (And my soggy lettuce)
I'm happy. Sometimes I think I'm not, I talk myself into feeling like I'm unsuccessful in everything I set out to do. I put myself down before I've had a chance to work myself up! I guess that is a flaw of mine.
I'm on medication for depression and I have been for just over 2 years. I'm at a point or was were I thought about bringing down my dosage, so I did, (doctors orders of course) and but by bit my happiness started to slide away. (I'd like to point out that it's not this way for everyone, and being happy without help is completely achievable). But the more I reduced my dose, the more things started to effect me, it was like my medication blocked off apart of my brain that all my emotions were locked up in, and as the wall came down, the emotions came out.
I want to come off my medication, I really do! The withdrawal symptoms if I forget to take a dose are horrific and I don't want to pay £8.60 every month on my prescription. (I'm cheap, I know)
But it made me unhappy, and to be honest, I didn't really know how to deal with that! I'm on a lower dose, and I'm happy here, any lower and I became a hormonal teenager with a raging anger issue, so here I will stay until I think I'm ready. Nobody knows your own brain like yourself, right?
Body wise, of course I struggle, who doesn't? Sometimes I wake up in an awful mood and everything looks horrendous and I'm covered in spots and my eyebrows are everywhere. I accept its one of those days, have a coffee and get past it. Some days are worse than others I admit that.
But I'll tell you what's amazing. Waking up, waddling to the bathroom in my boyfriends t-shirt and a pair of nickers, free as a bird. I don't care who sees me, I think I've answered the door to the post man in that exact outfit. I feel confident. I actually feel more confident in my nickers than I do in a dress. I've worked so hard to get myself to this place, there was a time when I'd only walk around or leave my room wrapped up in a blanket so nobody could see underneath And slowly I have lost items of clothes along the way. (I'll be naked soon)... (but not infront of the postman) .. (That's abit to far).
I feel alone. Sometimes.
Who doesn't? Who doesn't sit watching 'p.s I love you' and feel bloody alone!
I know I have people who love me and want to be with me, (my boyfriend understands that as soon as I'm awake I require 100% of his attention) I might not be surrounded by people all the time but I still know they are there! I've lost a lot of friends over the last few years, but I still know they are there! Because you never loose a friend.
Food wise.
I'm stuck in between a half vegeterian and half chicken diet.
I hate eating meat, that's a personal preference of mine, I am an animal lover and that's just who I am, but I need the protein from meat. (I don't eat red meat so I just eat chicken)
I know there are plenty of places to get protein sources from and believe me I've tried, I just don't like them. I can't stand the taste, and instead of letting my physical and mental wellbeing decline I have chosen to continue to eat certain foods.
Eventually I'll get to a place where I can dedicate myself to new foods and a new diet overall, but for me, I'm not there yet. And I don't want to take the risk.
I'm a serious addict of weetabix chocolate minis and chocolate shreddies, like seriously, if they could be every meal then they would. I love yogurt and my boyfriends step dad makes the best creamy curry in the world, so yea top favourite foods right there.
Future wise, I don't know.
I'm currently studying a degree I don't know if I want to pursue, but that's the whole point of growing up. I'm learning.
I'm not perfect and I'm going to make mistakes, and I will learn from them! I'm not going to give up though, I'm going to stick at this degree I hate because I know I have a love for it in some aspects. And you never know, one day I might wake up and want to be a teacher, if not, then I have the degree. I can take another path when it comes.
I have a job. (I know I actually moved off my couch and left my cat at home)
I work full time alongside my studies. I like having money. (That makes me sound like a gold digger or something) but not so I can spend it. I like having the stability there, it comforts me that I can help someone if needed, or incase of an emergency. It just makes me feel settled! I want to travel in the next few years, I save up so I can experience that.
I bought some flip flops yesterday. Just thought that might interest you.
They have silver crystals on them and for a flip flop they are actually quite jazzy.
You know what, I'm getting there.
My life is rolling forward each day, each day I get older and wiser and I hope to always look back and be proud of the decisions I made (and regret some of course).
One day I can sit in my bungalow in the Maldives and say I made it! (Goals btw)
I hope I haven't bored you to tears, lots of love xxx
But, I guess I never want to talk about me?
I try and pick a topic and write about it, but what if I want to just blab on about my day and how the lettuce on my sandwich was soggy for lunch. (World war problems soggy lettuce btw)
So this is going to be about me, read on if you want, if not then I understand that my life doesn't interest you. (And my soggy lettuce)
I'm happy. Sometimes I think I'm not, I talk myself into feeling like I'm unsuccessful in everything I set out to do. I put myself down before I've had a chance to work myself up! I guess that is a flaw of mine.
I'm on medication for depression and I have been for just over 2 years. I'm at a point or was were I thought about bringing down my dosage, so I did, (doctors orders of course) and but by bit my happiness started to slide away. (I'd like to point out that it's not this way for everyone, and being happy without help is completely achievable). But the more I reduced my dose, the more things started to effect me, it was like my medication blocked off apart of my brain that all my emotions were locked up in, and as the wall came down, the emotions came out.
I want to come off my medication, I really do! The withdrawal symptoms if I forget to take a dose are horrific and I don't want to pay £8.60 every month on my prescription. (I'm cheap, I know)
But it made me unhappy, and to be honest, I didn't really know how to deal with that! I'm on a lower dose, and I'm happy here, any lower and I became a hormonal teenager with a raging anger issue, so here I will stay until I think I'm ready. Nobody knows your own brain like yourself, right?
Body wise, of course I struggle, who doesn't? Sometimes I wake up in an awful mood and everything looks horrendous and I'm covered in spots and my eyebrows are everywhere. I accept its one of those days, have a coffee and get past it. Some days are worse than others I admit that.
But I'll tell you what's amazing. Waking up, waddling to the bathroom in my boyfriends t-shirt and a pair of nickers, free as a bird. I don't care who sees me, I think I've answered the door to the post man in that exact outfit. I feel confident. I actually feel more confident in my nickers than I do in a dress. I've worked so hard to get myself to this place, there was a time when I'd only walk around or leave my room wrapped up in a blanket so nobody could see underneath And slowly I have lost items of clothes along the way. (I'll be naked soon)... (but not infront of the postman) .. (That's abit to far).
I feel alone. Sometimes.
Who doesn't? Who doesn't sit watching 'p.s I love you' and feel bloody alone!
I know I have people who love me and want to be with me, (my boyfriend understands that as soon as I'm awake I require 100% of his attention) I might not be surrounded by people all the time but I still know they are there! I've lost a lot of friends over the last few years, but I still know they are there! Because you never loose a friend.
Food wise.
I'm stuck in between a half vegeterian and half chicken diet.
I hate eating meat, that's a personal preference of mine, I am an animal lover and that's just who I am, but I need the protein from meat. (I don't eat red meat so I just eat chicken)
I know there are plenty of places to get protein sources from and believe me I've tried, I just don't like them. I can't stand the taste, and instead of letting my physical and mental wellbeing decline I have chosen to continue to eat certain foods.
Eventually I'll get to a place where I can dedicate myself to new foods and a new diet overall, but for me, I'm not there yet. And I don't want to take the risk.
I'm a serious addict of weetabix chocolate minis and chocolate shreddies, like seriously, if they could be every meal then they would. I love yogurt and my boyfriends step dad makes the best creamy curry in the world, so yea top favourite foods right there.
Future wise, I don't know.
I'm currently studying a degree I don't know if I want to pursue, but that's the whole point of growing up. I'm learning.
I'm not perfect and I'm going to make mistakes, and I will learn from them! I'm not going to give up though, I'm going to stick at this degree I hate because I know I have a love for it in some aspects. And you never know, one day I might wake up and want to be a teacher, if not, then I have the degree. I can take another path when it comes.
I have a job. (I know I actually moved off my couch and left my cat at home)
I work full time alongside my studies. I like having money. (That makes me sound like a gold digger or something) but not so I can spend it. I like having the stability there, it comforts me that I can help someone if needed, or incase of an emergency. It just makes me feel settled! I want to travel in the next few years, I save up so I can experience that.
I bought some flip flops yesterday. Just thought that might interest you.
They have silver crystals on them and for a flip flop they are actually quite jazzy.
You know what, I'm getting there.
My life is rolling forward each day, each day I get older and wiser and I hope to always look back and be proud of the decisions I made (and regret some of course).
One day I can sit in my bungalow in the Maldives and say I made it! (Goals btw)
I hope I haven't bored you to tears, lots of love xxx
Thank you for this beautifully honest, human post. It's totally ok to not have it all figured out (does anyone actually ever have it all figured out) but you have common sense and a good perspective on your life and I admire your way of looking at things. Having read this, I am going to take a different approach to my own thoughts about my life.
ReplyDeleteLove your blogs syd keep it up ! You're such an inspiration xxxxx
ReplyDelete