Recovery is life

okay so I've been reflecting a lot recently. On my recovery, my past, my journey etc... And I'm just so thankful. I'm thankful to my parents, for getting me help when I believed I didn't need it, for taking time off work to take me to hospital appointments and to be my shoulder to cry on during therapy. I'm thankful for my mum staying strong for me, and making sure I knew everything was okay, even though it wasn't. For being signed off work sick with anxiety and still visiting me everyday and keeping me going and fighting when she was struggling herself. Thankful for my dad, for surprising me with late night visits when I was in the unit, and for letting me sniffle and dribble on your shoulder because I missed the comfort of being at home so much and my mind was putting me through torture. I'm thankful to my brother, for hugging me so tight that he made the pain go away, for coming to see me even though I knew he hated the place, he hated the smell and sit...

CHRISTMAS TIME, MISTLETOE AND WINEEEE (I don't like wine so) MISLETOEE AND VODKAAAAAA. ANYHOO it's 14 days until christmas.... That's like 13 sleep, oh my god I'm excited. So yea, I know plenty of you are sat there worrying about Christmas, chocolates, dinner, cake, festivities! Everything. I know I used to worry about it. And it did take over my Christmas, I used to sit there, staring into nothing, whilst in my head there was uproar about the day, planning and planning and counting what I'm going to eat. It was horrible, I hated it, I just wanted it to get out of my head. What happened to waiting for Santa, and opening my advent calander all at once. Why was I now worried about one of the most amazing times of the year? You have to remember that this isn't you, it's not your mind telling you to do these things! You want to enjoy yourself, you want to be free! There's just something inside your head stopping you. Free yourself. Let yourself b...

hello lovelies, okay so eating disorders usually involve alot of anxiety, around food, public, sociailising and relationships, and sometimes overcoming the anxiety is the hard part, for me it was anyway. I was diagnosed with depression before my eating disorder, and once i was diagnosed with anorexia they also treated me for depression and anxiety. its really hard, and its hard because youre not only isolating yourself but youre also wanting to get involved and push yourself but you cant do that because you dont have the motivation to do anything. i was always told that i would never fully recover from my eating disorder (which is a really stupid thing to tell people because everyone needs hope and re-assurance) but i knew that it was possible and i kept myself going even though i never knew if i could wake up one day without the ache in my stomach and the thoughts in my mind. (id like to tell you all that it is completely possible and to not listen to anyone who tells you differe...

HEY THERE. i havent posted a blog in forever so i love just doing an update on recovery, life and the future. okay so as many of you know i am starting university in 19 days. im studying childhood and early years development for 3 years and if all goes well i want to do a year pgce to become a primary school teacher. recovery is fabulous. i learn more about myself everyday. i know i can be an emotional wreck sometimes as i naturally overthink everything but thats okay and i can accept that because after my hour of sobbing i realise that everything ive just been upset about is in my head. (my poor boyfriend is so confused when im crying without a reason) i push myself everyday. im fully recovered now and i class myself as 100% mentally and physically recovered but everyday little things i overcome really impress me. just stupid little things, but everytime i overcome something i feel more like myself. im proud of myself. my parents where able to book a holiday to Greece together an...

i receive alot of questions and queries daily about how to stop calorie counting. and yes its one of the hardest things to get yourself out of. i did struggle with this. because being ill i spent alot of my free time in supermarkets revising nutrition labels and ingredients (sad i know right) but thats what i did to make sure i knew exactly what i was eating. which was hell. and now i dont even look at labels, i eat the food thats put in front of me, i pick food from a menu without giving the 'light bites' menu a second glance and i do that without a care in the world. and it wasnt easy to get here but it isnt impossible. okay so even when i left inpatient i was still calorie counting, not as bad but i was still doing it. and i just had enough like many of you, my brain was exhausted, it was constantly on the go just overthinking everything and i didnt need it on top of everything else. so when i decided to stop it was nearing up to christmas time and we had endless tub...

okay so when you're recovering/recovered relapse is always going to be there. its always going to be present. you think you look big in that dress.. oh i know i can just go back to the way i was.. no. this is when you fight, this is when you turn around and say you are worth more than your appearance as you are stronger than to cave in and go back to the shitty life you used to have. every time you get these demanding thoughts (and they are intrusive and rude and play a huge part in your everyday life) you remind yourself who you are now. the life you have. the love you give and receive. and then remember who you used to be, the shell of a human, forced to live by numbers and rules set by anorexia. you dont want that life, if you did heck you wouldnt have started recovery int he first place! so why did you recover? why did you choose that you didnt want to suffer anymore? was it because it was ripping your family apart, or because you lost all your friends, constantly cried an...

anorexia is not as simple as 'they basically dislike food and you loose weight'  wrong.  anorexia is turning your own mind and body against yourself, watching yourself slowly disappear and loving it. feeling your bones stick out and rub against clothing and your mattress until you are covered in bruises and cry yourself to sleep. anorexia is ripping your family apart and allowing them to see their own child fall to pieces without being able to help. its being so severely hungry that you start to hallucinate and collapse walking down the street.  its being in a constant battle with your own mind about what you can eat and what you cant eat, what you can do and what you cant. over exercising to exhaustion, not for fitness. looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing nothing but a shell of worthlessness. its the feeling of preferring to die than eat. its never feeling good enough, never feeling deserving of life and enjoyment.  why do people think its all about yo...